Solstice...

It's the longest night of the year. I am up, canning homemade mustard for people for Christmas gifts. (Yes, canned homemade mustard. It's good. Don't look at me like that.)

The darkness has been hard on me this year. It hasn't been too cold, but the sun starts to go down within a half an hour of my getting home from work. All I want to do is get in bed and forget it all. But if I do that, I then feel bad that I didn't get any housework done, or art, or whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. All I know is that I haven't had mood swings like this in years, and I don't like it, no, not at all. Hopefully, it will pass soon. Maybe tonight will be sort of a light at the end of the tunnel sort of thing.


It could be worse. I could live in Alaska.




Come to think of it, maybe sunlight deprivation can explain a lot about Alaska...


I don't really know why winter has affected me this way this year. Usually, I'm pretty okay with it, and I try to enjoy the dark for what it is. We haven't had much yet, but snow is usually fun for both me and for Peanut. But this year, it's just been cold enough not to want to go out, and rainy. Maybe I've been in bad moods because I was out on my bike so much more this summer and fall that I miss it. Maybe. But I also feel like by whole body thermostat has changed. Over the summer, I was able to be outside even on the hottest days and barely feel it. And now, a cool day has me bummed out and staying inside. I've had to make myself go out and take in whatever little sunlight I can get. I read somewhere that if your mood is altered by the weather, you need to be outside for a while even if it's cloudy and cold, and you will get some benefit from that sunlight. I guess it helped.

Tonight is also the second night of Hanukkah. It's always happy for me when Hanukkah and Christmas overlap. This year, they overlap almost perfectly. I'm such a big hippie when it comes to people from different backgrounds getting along. It upsets me to see so many people who have always enjoyed being in the majority whining about holidays other than their own being recognized. I don't have a lot of patience for people who insist on feeling persecuted. Get over it already. There is no "War on Christmas". Like everything else this time of year, it's a marketing ploy. A gimmick to sell books and get people to watch Fox 'News'. Christians are not being denied the right to practice their religion. Anyone who believes that is truly kidding themselves. So let's get together, love each other, quit hatin!



One thing I like about pagan beliefs is the way they are so in tune with the Earth and the sky. So I always try to at least take note of solstices. It's a cool tradition, you gotta admit.

Okay well I don't really have an ending. Good night and have a joyful solstice.

Imagine if...

Imagine if...
This life were not my life
These thoughts were not my thoughts
These fears were not my fears
Laughable. Foreign. Absurd.

Imagine if...
These walls were not my walls
These colors were not my colors
These loves were not my loves
Unknown. Unexplored. Far away.

Imagine if...
The two should come together
These things become familiar
This being becomes my own
And grows. And strengthens. And nourishes

And is missed when it goes away.

Very... Black... Paintings

Back in art school, my good friend, the uber talented and now quite successful Jack Myers, had this great idea to make artist infomercials. We did several. Most of them are parody. For mine, I decided to do a character that was as opposite from me as possible. An overwrought, gothy, chain smoking, depressed painter and performance artist.

Example quotes  "I don't remember my childhood. I hear it was very traumatic though." "Do you know why I hate nature?" It is also the only place you will ever see me holding or pretending to smoke a cigarette. If you know me at all, you are already laughing.

I only wish I hadn't kept laughing during the "baby bird" section. And the Patsy Cline at the end? Complete coincidence. Just happened to come on the CKs jukebox as we were filming the last shot.

Watch these, they are funny. Mine starts at about eight minutes in. Thank God for the internet. Otherwise I don't know if I'd ever have seen these again.


Commercial Artists from Jack Myers on Vimeo.


Commercial Artists from Jack Myers on Vimeo.

Bach and my Poisoned Blood

I am posting a poem. When I started writing poetry again, I figured it would all be really crappy as it was before. But when I wrote a few things, I actually started to like them. I haven't liked any of the short stories I've been working on. Since the poetry is going better, I'm putting some up.

This poem, Bach and my Poisoned Blood, is basically about cancer treatment and insomnia. Please note that I still have no intention of making this a "cancer blog". But I am really just starting to process some of this stuff that happened to me, and I realize I couldn't really process it at the time. It's good to get this out. Maybe I can really leave it behind me soon.

One of the things that always kept me up was a side effect that gave me the feeling that I had cables knotted around my ankles and wrists. I'd have to wake up and roll my feet and wrists several times. Also, I had some lovely hot flashes. That, my friends, is no picnic. There is no sleep when your inner thermostat is broken.

I had to give Bach a shout out though, because that was my soundtrack when I was sick. Just trying to relax, trying to sleep, trying not to panic. It actually worked. Yo-Yo Ma's cello solos. I've since found a lot of people say that these particular recordings have gotten them through tough times.

While this poem is about my personal experience with this pain and sleeplessness, it can also be said to be about insomnia in general. Because if I'm not in physical pain, there are other things that keep me awake at night, usually just thinking too much. I don't have joint pain much anymore, only occasionally when it gets cold. But I continue to be an insomniac, as I've been off and on most of my life. Something about the quiet of the middle of the night makes me awake. This is often a creative time, but it can be torment too if I actually need to sleep.

Let me know if you like this.



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Bach and my Poisoned Blood

Tighter, tighter still

It hurts

You rock
You crack
You do not sleep
You're hot
You're cold

There is no help
There is no Mom
There is no Dad
There is no glass of water

Just you.

and the ceiling
and the dog
and the cats
and the radio

Bach is with you
at least in your mind
that silver cloud falls over
Til the coffee cuts on
and it's time for the day