I probably shouldn't even write about this. But I have to vent somewhere.
The worst thing about my job... There is a beautiful child in my class. Something is a little off about this kid, I can't really say what. But she's still pretty sweet, and maybe sort of shy. She wrote her name on the floor with a crayon, and when I asked her why, she looked down at the floor with surprise on her face, as if she didn't even realize she'd done it. This is not the normal reaction for a child caught doing something naughty. 2I had to write a note home, even though I don't care that much about crayon writing on the floor. If I let it go with one, there will be all sorts of things written on my floor and they won't be just names.
There are several kids at my school who are quite obviously not well cared for. They come to school dirty, with ill-fitting clothes and messy hair. They fall behind and struggle socially. The idea that school uniforms make children equal, that nobody knows who
is rich or poor, because everyone is dressed the same, is total
bullshit. Kids know, and dirty, unkempt kids are often outcasts. It doesn't help that MCS chose white as the school uniform color. These white shirts become grey or brown when they are not washed regularly. That kind of thing stands out. You can't get parents (or "guardians") on the phone. This is a constant source of dismay. Actually, dismay is the best case scenario. It's usually more like disgust and outrage. I'd say that this particular child fits into that category. But until today, I hadn't really taken much note (I have about 400 students, so it's tough sometimes). When I was writing the note to go home, she didn't even seem to realize she was in trouble. She politely spelled her name for me, and didn't argue anything. I usually get at least an "I didn't do it!" or two. Her teacher says she is kind of spacy. Makes sense, I suppose.
When she went to sit back down, she stretched her arms up above her head. Her too-small shirt rose up, and I noticed a series of mystery marks all over her midriff. Since I can't call her up to the front of the class to investigate, I told her teacher about it later. The teacher says that she has trouble getting the guardian on the phone, and that last week when the child was sick, couldn't get anyone to come pick her up. I don't have a lot more to say about this situation, except that I will follow up, and I will pay closer attention to this kid to see if she needs help. It's about all I can do, other than cry.
What makes me sicker than sick about this is really just a purely selfish thing. I've always wanted to be a mom. It's not really looking like that's going to happen. I may be able to adopt, or maybe not. It all depends on if the cancer stays away, and finances. Right now, every thing looks good on the health front. Not so much on the financial front. Some people have so much and never know it. They take it for granted, as if the blessing of a child is not so special, more of a burden than a gift.
The point is, if I had a beautiful little girl like this child in my class, I'd love her and take care of her even if it meant great inconvenience and hardship, even if it meant I never had another chance to go on a social outing with friends again, even if it meant every last dime was spent keeping her clean, happy, and healthy. This is a whole life, a real person that is being pushed aside and, maybe, possibly, abused by no fault of her own. This isn't the first such case I've run across in my job, it's just the latest. There are other stories even worse than this. Right now, I just can't think of anything more morally bankrupt than intentionally neglecting or abusing a child.
Childhood should be filled with great moments of wonder and bliss. That's not to say that I'm so naive that I think it's all candy and sunshine, I know it's not. But I clearly remember a certain wild freedom of heart as a child that I have never been able to duplicate as an adult. The memory of it often sustains me and reminds me that life really isn't so crappy after all, and that adventures are worth trying, even if the outcome is risky. When someone neglects or abuses a child, they do violence on only to that child, but to the entire future of everyone. Who knows, maybe this little girl was going to be the one to find a cure for cancer, or solve world hunger. Or maybe she would simply grow up to be a wonderful mother herself. Maybe she still could, but what chances does she really have when nobody is there to nurture her?
This stuff just makes me beside myself with despair sometimes. I'm not sure how long I can be a teacher, because my skin has not gotten any thicker to this, and it is so common (especially in such a high-poverty city as the one I live in). I bring this stuff home with me. I let it haunt me. The day I stop caring really should be the day I quit. But how long can I keep the strain of what I know from eating me up?
Man, it's just been kind of a bad day.
The worst thing about my job... There is a beautiful child in my class. Something is a little off about this kid, I can't really say what. But she's still pretty sweet, and maybe sort of shy. She wrote her name on the floor with a crayon, and when I asked her why, she looked down at the floor with surprise on her face, as if she didn't even realize she'd done it. This is not the normal reaction for a child caught doing something naughty. 2I had to write a note home, even though I don't care that much about crayon writing on the floor. If I let it go with one, there will be all sorts of things written on my floor and they won't be just names.
There are several kids at my school who are quite obviously not well cared for. They come to school dirty, with ill-fitting clothes and messy hair. They fall behind and struggle socially. The idea that school uniforms make children equal, that nobody knows who
is rich or poor, because everyone is dressed the same, is total
bullshit. Kids know, and dirty, unkempt kids are often outcasts. It doesn't help that MCS chose white as the school uniform color. These white shirts become grey or brown when they are not washed regularly. That kind of thing stands out. You can't get parents (or "guardians") on the phone. This is a constant source of dismay. Actually, dismay is the best case scenario. It's usually more like disgust and outrage. I'd say that this particular child fits into that category. But until today, I hadn't really taken much note (I have about 400 students, so it's tough sometimes). When I was writing the note to go home, she didn't even seem to realize she was in trouble. She politely spelled her name for me, and didn't argue anything. I usually get at least an "I didn't do it!" or two. Her teacher says she is kind of spacy. Makes sense, I suppose. When she went to sit back down, she stretched her arms up above her head. Her too-small shirt rose up, and I noticed a series of mystery marks all over her midriff. Since I can't call her up to the front of the class to investigate, I told her teacher about it later. The teacher says that she has trouble getting the guardian on the phone, and that last week when the child was sick, couldn't get anyone to come pick her up. I don't have a lot more to say about this situation, except that I will follow up, and I will pay closer attention to this kid to see if she needs help. It's about all I can do, other than cry.
What makes me sicker than sick about this is really just a purely selfish thing. I've always wanted to be a mom. It's not really looking like that's going to happen. I may be able to adopt, or maybe not. It all depends on if the cancer stays away, and finances. Right now, every thing looks good on the health front. Not so much on the financial front. Some people have so much and never know it. They take it for granted, as if the blessing of a child is not so special, more of a burden than a gift.
The point is, if I had a beautiful little girl like this child in my class, I'd love her and take care of her even if it meant great inconvenience and hardship, even if it meant I never had another chance to go on a social outing with friends again, even if it meant every last dime was spent keeping her clean, happy, and healthy. This is a whole life, a real person that is being pushed aside and, maybe, possibly, abused by no fault of her own. This isn't the first such case I've run across in my job, it's just the latest. There are other stories even worse than this. Right now, I just can't think of anything more morally bankrupt than intentionally neglecting or abusing a child.
 |
| Childhood should be filled with great moments of wonder and bliss. |
This stuff just makes me beside myself with despair sometimes. I'm not sure how long I can be a teacher, because my skin has not gotten any thicker to this, and it is so common (especially in such a high-poverty city as the one I live in). I bring this stuff home with me. I let it haunt me. The day I stop caring really should be the day I quit. But how long can I keep the strain of what I know from eating me up?
Man, it's just been kind of a bad day.
1 comment:
you are truly wonderful meg, this is awful to feel this way but you are a real guardian to a children who dont really have deserving ones, keep you head up and eyes open ... childhood can still be beautiful!
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